Forgiveness

hahahahaha yes. Yes it is still coming soon.

You know, the angels love to call me The Reluctant Channel because of how hard it’s been for me to accept and believe. Programming can be severe. When I think back on my life and the many miracles that got me here, I’m humbled and a little ashamed. But shame isn’t helpful. It alone doesn’t heal. That’s a truth I’ve struggled hard with.

What I’ve come to understand is that it’s simply a state of being conscious of all the bad shit we’ve done. It comes up when I’m having a hard time accepting the truth of a situation. A lot of us sit in it because we think we’re supposed to (“punishment”). And then it gets worse, and we start to needle at and pick apart every little thing we say or do. Hypervigilance, they call it. I have done some truly, truly awful and unforgiveable things in my life. Trauma amplified that to absurd levels, where I saw every little thing I ever did and it was just All Bad. No forgiveness for me. How could I do these awful things? I’m a monster. I had to be punished. I had to let them know I was sorry if I was going to survive. That’s how I was taught to deal with mistakes. And that’s also why I attempted suicide three times.

I believed I didn’t deserve trust or compassion from myself. I deserved death and misery. Even when the Angels reminded me that at my core, my essence, I was love, I didn’t believe it. the fear and doubt kept creeping back in. I’d be doing well and then I’d start waiting for the shoe to fall again, because I expected it. More than that, I anticipated it. Waited for it. Spent countless hours in therapy talking about it and preparing for it so I’d be ok when it happened. And when it did I winced and cringed and struggled and suffered and cried. I believed I needed to be punished, and one way or another that was going to happen.

Desmond Tutu has been one of my idols since I was about 12 years old, ever since I heard him preach at Trinity Cathedral in Cleveland. When I set out on this path of healing, Tutu, along with his daughter Mpho, had just published The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. Forgiveness has been an enormous part of my healing journey, both giving and receiving, and this was medicine I knew I needed, but I did not realize how profoundly I needed it.

Forgetting is not forgiving, and forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is not excusing or placating. It is a choice we make to take back our power and free ourselves from pain and anger and fear. It’s an action borne out of love for both ourselves and for others as our souls grow, evolve, and prepare for ascension.

If you’re having trouble forgiving yourself for the things you’ve done, I highly, highly recommend picking up this book. It’s not just a book, either—it’s a process, a way to stop the endless cycle of pain and retribution. And if there’s anything I feel the world is crying out for right now, it’s this.