i am a seer

…and it's a burden. which you probably don't understand, because you can only see it from your own limited perspective. what you would do with it. how you would use that to manipulate people, to manipulate situations for your own ends. not knowing, having no understanding that having those intentions precludes anyone from developing those gifts. You have no clue how heavy it is to see all this shit. how dangerous it can be. how isolating.

how I didn't have anyone to tell me what it was, and I just thought everyone could for the longest time. how that made the decades of gaslighting that I went through as a result of speaking those truths even worse. how even still, 90% of that is just autistic pattern recognition.

but I was called. I was called. I don't know how to explain it to someone who doesn't believe in things like that. I guess I'm going to try. I was you. I was you at your age. that same brick wall of....impossibility that felt like it was coming at me from all sides. Cursed. You adapted differently.

my self-loathing was deep. but in the end I simply didn't understand. I just didn't have the right perspective. The key, for me? forgiveness. that's what started it all. I held so much resentment for being betrayed. when your partner and your best friend cheat on you with each other and get married a year later, it's a hell of a thing. You might relate, in a way. but there were many betrayals long before that. I still carried them all, dragging them behind me despite my best attempts to release them. forgiveness was the key.

Angels brought that to me. I didn't know that then but I do now. I didn't even know who they were. in 2012, Ariel made sure I knew. in 2014, she told me i would be at the forefront of the next generation of angel healing and it scared the SHIT out of me. I still didn't really believe in myself, and I didn't think I could ever hold that much responsibility without cracking. that felt like an omen, hanging over my head. another responsibility I couldn't possibly live up to but that was expected of me. Ariel was there when I woke up that December as well, after checking out for a day or two.

I was called. I was called to walk through darkness, alone. but I wasn't alone, owl was with me. others were with me. i covered my chest in owl's image, to remind me. snake is there too. The symbolism in it runs deep, the bond I created with the artist during his work confirms that. the diamond stars, i'd just read about. he didn't know about them. he just drew what he drew.

I can never explain what I understand in words, never well enough. it's a sphere in flatland. my thought-shapes are extra-dimensional. aphasia makes that harder, a lot harder. so i'm doing instead. i'm providing spaces for people to experience that themselves, and eventually teach it.

I had to figure all of that out myself. no one led me down that path. I sought it out when I was called. I lost it a couple times, but stumbled my way back onto the trail. and I'll always be on this path. what my life looks like to other people, how I'm taking up space in the world is going to look...well it's going to look like a lot of different things. I'm fighting, still fighting so I can do them before this meat sack fails and I have to peace out. but I'm excited. so excited. especially for the music, the music and the healing, the both of them together. dimensional sound healing that makes bowls and a stick look like a square in sphereworld...the young Hathors are amused by that analogy. we were hoping you'd take interest in the project...and they're not from this planet. which was kind of a bonus for you, really? fat check mark on the bucket list. it'll happen anyway, it is now.

when I met you I knew I was coming down to lift you up. I don't know if I should have but I did. I had to try. I had to. I know you. and you knew me. maybe it was foolish, because I always knew you had to do it yourself. I just wanted you to believe that you could because I know you can. I just can't do it for you. I can't choose it for you. You still can right now. you can always choose it. I just can't make you. I can always love you. always will and I always have,

beyond this fucking planet and beyond this stupid life, which isn't stupid and neither were the other ones over the millions of years there were lives. there were lives together. there were lives apart. there were wars and battles, pain and sorrow, joy and family. persecution and death. but it's time to come home. it's time to go home, it's time to come home. please come home. please come home. please come home. please come home.