𓆙 hope 𓆙

content is something I will never feel about this situation with you. The best I can ever hope for is acceptance. there's a lot of things I know, that you lied about what happened to other people, that you talked about me behind my back, but I know that because you did that with other people to me. i'd be foolish to think I wouldn't be included in that. a pattern is a pattern. I don't really wonder about what you said because it doesn't have any impact on who I am and who I will continue to be, and I know now that I am seen for who I am, because those around me who cherish me, tell me. I don't wonder about how people see me anymore because they tell me. The people around me now tell me. It's the first time I've had that in my life and it's a bit weird and awkward, but it's also humbling and validating to be seen and celebrated for what you've worked so hard to do for so long.

I know you saw me too. You know who I am, even if you treated me like the garbage you think you deserve and always pursue.

do you regret it? heaven knows. Even with all the chances you've been given, all the opportunities you've had to communicate, all the Olive branches that were offered to you, you took none of them. you chose to sit on your ass and say nothing to me while spinning lies of remorse and sorrow to everyone around you. You're not sorry. You're not at all. If you were you would have taken those opportunities that were handed to you. You have no remorse. You've done nothing to fix it. at this point it almost feels like you have engineered an image of a heartbroken sad boy.

I've been saying this a lot lately but I'm going to say it again to you because you need to hear it. how do you think relationships last? do you think they just kind of exist because of fate or destiny or love? they don't, that's garbage. they exist and remain because the people in them choose to do the work to keep them. that means falling apart and coming together over and over and over again. that means there's going to be disagreements and arguments, that means people are going to get hurt intentionally and unintentionally. It's inevitable and cannot be avoided. every healthy relationship that's lasted for decades has done so because people learned how to resolve conflict with each other. decided to put in the effort to do that. cared enough about their partner to listen and acknowledge their pain, and accept responsibility for causing it even when it's unintentional. because that's what people who care about each other do. You don't want to cause someone you love pain, but when you do, If you love them you want to make sure you don't do that again. You don't try to tell them that The reason they're hurt by your behavior is because of their mental insecurities. To put it bluntly: That's a lie. deflection. invalidation. A power game. how ironic that when I told you I valued honesty, you said you did as well.

I've changed my mind on that. I value being trustworthy now. that matters to me, To be that for the people that I care about and who care about me. part of that is knowing that I'm going to screw up with all of them at some point. I mean I am divorced after all. and that was really painful, so I took a lot of time to make sure that I healed and learned how to take accountability for myself. I've had to do it over and over. and I learned what it looks like when others are actually taking accountability as well.

You have refused to take accountability for over a year now. Your silence speaks volumes, and not in the way you think.

I'm going to say this, which I already told you a year ago: The ball is in your court. The ball has been in your court this whole time. All you had to do was have another conversation with me. acknowledge the garbage you threw at me in your panic. acknowledge why it was so hurtful, and how you would never do it again. but you did it on purpose. maybe that's tripping you up. you did it on purpose, despite feeling entirely different inside.

I got to be honest Doug, If you want your life to be different you have to make different choices. there is a video out there by a man named Jack, who has really worked hard to deconstruct toxic masculinity and garbage behavior within himself, and his platform speaks to men who want to do the same and hold themselves accountable as well. in that video, he breaks down how he avoided accountability repeatedly with self-pity, turning himself into a monster, A pariah, A horrible creature not even worthy of his own forgiveness. how he would grovel to his wife about how much of a horrible person he was for doing what he did.

here's what he learned: what he was actually doing was making himself the victim of his own bad behavior and centering himself and his pain and remorse, instead of making amends and repair. what he realized was how selfish that was. in a moment where where he should be listening and validating, offering remorse and reconciliation, and making a commitment to not repeating the mistake, he was actually avoiding doing that labor at all. It was just another way to avoid actual change and accountability. nearly destroyed his marriage.

we were never romantic, we were just friends. in our past lives together. dozens of them, in my heart, in my dreams we were, but never with any expectation. Your energy hit me like a brick. never felt anything like it to this day. You didn't show up in my dream 20 years before I met you in real life for no reason. I understand that reason, to a point. there's a lot I don't know, and can't because you hold the key. only in us coming together can we understand that, but again that ball is no longer in my court. and we're not going to pretend you are not completely, fully aware and conscious of this fact.

there is more to us and you are aware of this. I know you are aware of it, the indestructible thread that binds us together, and our ability to communicate wordlessly from thousands of miles away. I know how you took advantage of that and you won't be allowed to do that again. on the plus side, thanks for leveling me up. This whole situation really helped me find myself again. I fought for so long, I tread water everyday, My fingers bled from holding on so hard, but i was so broken from being stuck without help for so long, I'd lost hope that I would live a normal life ever again.

I guess it was empowering. when you almost lose your life because your ex-husband engaged in that same garbage behavior, seeing it and calling it out and walking away from it is empowering. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm unapologetically me. I was more apologetic before, but still me. You would have known that had you ever asked me anything about me, ever shown any curiosity in who I was as a person, what I did, what I liked, what I loved and what I knew. even when I shared it with you.

inside, you've struggled with the love/hate dichotomy towards me almost the whole time we've known each other. ever since I really messed up and behaved horribly in your stream. I did sincerely apologize though. You might check the Discord chat, I deleted all my messages but I left that part, our conversation and my apology. The one you tried to gaslight me into believing never happened. which wasn't the first time you did something like that. after my screw up, I did step back because things got really heavy for me very quickly and I had to focus on surviving and staying housed. but eventually I made my way back to your stream, because I missed you. A lot. and when I showed up, you played the role you played in the apology, Forgiving and willing to turn the other cheek.

but then the next time I came into your stream, you were ready. You feigned shock. The visible double take was pretty disingenuous but certainly enough for the Yes Men in the stream chat. You literally pretended I had just appeared out of nowhere after months, in that moment. what garbage. This is where your lack of curiosity became your downfall. I told you I had memory problems because of the brain injury, but I guess you assumed that meant I wasn't observant and mindful, and take note of red flags.

To be clear: Your behavior wasn't just problematic last summer. there are a dozen or more examples of you trying to manipulate me and play with me. and those are just the ones in text. I've seen it the whole time. but we were strangers, and trust is hard. Believe me, I know. so I expected nothing from you, and continued to rebuild trust as best I could. and I did.

This isn't you. see I have that problem too, I see potential and I see inside of people and I know that what people show to the world is often way different than what they're feeling inside. and for me being so sensitive, that was a hard thing to understand for a long time. took a long time for me to understand that I was sensitive too but i do now. You don't hate me because of anything I've done really. You hate me because of everybody who's come before me who treated you like garbage and broke your heart, and how dare I be here and be kind and validating and listen and let you tell me things that you don't tell anyone else, and validate you for your feelings without judging them. because I know how important it is to do that and to receive that. It's what helps us heal. and I'm a healer. and that's all I want for you really.

I want the goofy, giggly man in my dreams. The one who finally feels safe to lean into his authenticity, his inner weirdo, his eternal 12 year old with someone who delights in it and joins him in. who I fell into giggling, pinning him against the wall to punish with kisses between the joyful laughter. I want him to exist. he does exist. he has before. he deserves to again. and I desperately want you to want that for yourself. desperately. I want to see him, manifest. even from afar, because I see your beautiful soul and it deserves to shine brightly.

should he never emerge...that grief. I have carried it for millennia, although it is not mine to carry. The ball, as we know, is in your court. but that reality is possible. he can exist, if you choose to allow him to emerge. If you choose to accept him, because he is deep and brilliant and beautiful and tragic, and so, so deserving of gentleness and softness and unconditional love. that is all I wish to give you. that is all I wish you to have.

My lesson is to let go. To move through the grief and move on from it, to respect your autonomy and your free will and your choices as yours, wherever they may lead you. I long to hold you. let you cry, kiss away your tears, let you feel safety. and maybe feel that myself. to finally be entangled with lips and limbs and bodies and eyes and hands. a private showing of the fine art that is you, where I am finally allowed to indulge in touch. to learn your textures and your shapes, your softness and your hardness. A tactile exploration of every brushstroke, every layer of the artistry and effort that made you a masterpiece. which you remain at your core, even under centuries of dirt and filth collected when you were hidden away in an attic and forgottwn.

You are beautiful and I love you deeply and I always will. I don't love like most people because I'm not like most people and you know that. truly, there is nothing wrong with you. like me, you simply need to heal. like everyone, you absolutely deserve that, and the most harmful lie in all of this, the only one that really matters, is the one you tell yourself. that you don't deserve it. choose honesty. choose honesty, if indeed it truly matters to you.

I will protect myself. what you have done, are doing it, and may possibly continue to do is harmful, abusive, and fully documented. I will protect others if I need to. but I don't want to have to. All I ever wanted to do was talk. I tried, I keep trying. I had to stop. now I'm just talking into the air. I'm not afraid of you. You can't hurt me, but I am not everyone, and I did not come back from the dead to allow cycles of abuse to continue. You were told directly and succinctly why I walked away and what was needed from you to change that. so far you have chosen to do everything and anything but that, and so I remain at a distance.

I miss you. I love you so much, and I want you to heal. I hope you listen to and accept the healing I sent you, and I hold hope and faith that one day we'll be standing in front of each other, looking into each other's eyes and smiling, laugjing, crying with joy in the revelation of Truth: in lak'ech ala k'in